Protest Fever Explained

 After carefully considering the opinions of my esteemed colleagues, I have decided to revert to my original theory of protest fever, a viral infection that enters the brains of its victims and causes them to run out into the street and make fools of themselves.  Protest fever is unique among viral infections in that you don't need to have personal contact with an infected person, you can catch it off the internet.  What, you never heard of a computer virus?  Until now, computer viruses have been unable to cross the species barrier, but this one can and does.  You know what I think happened?  I'll tell you what I think happened.  I think that certain individuals, I won't mention their names, they know who they are, got together and did a gain of function operation on a computer virus, enabling it to cross the species barrier and infect humans.  I can only guess about their motive, but scientists have been known to invent something just to prove that they can.  They accept no responsibility for misuse of their creation by others, claiming that their mission is pure research.  Of course, this is only a theory, but no other explanation makes sense.

To extinguish the protest fever virus, we need to completely shut down the internet for a couple weeks, 30 days tops.  This will cause hardship for a lot of people, but it's only temporary and is necessary to buy us some time while a vaccine is being developed.  The vaccine will need to be administered to everybody who uses the internet, whether they want it or not.  The way to overcome resistance to the vaccine is to subliminally embed it in an app and make that app go viral all over the internet.  Then everybody who uses the internet will become immunized without either their knowledge or their consent.  They won't complain about it because they won't even know that it's being done to them.  Being a political conservative, I would not normally advocate such extreme measures, but this is not a political issue, it's a public health issue.  Many lives will be saved, and peace will be restored to our streets.