So there I am standing outside the door, counting down the minutes from the time and temp of the bank across the street, and then I pull it door open. Aa good enough crowd, plenty good enough. And they are still unsettled, still half an eye on the door, looking to see who will else will drop in tonight.
And it's Catfish. Oh, I keep my head a little low as I step into the doorway, but like I said they are watching the door, and what can I say. There is just a little bit of a hush when they aren't sure who it is, and then it's Catfish! Catfish! Damn look who it is. He's back! He's back! Hands are offered, my back is slapped, and a beer is shoved into my hand. It's just what I wanted. I am so glad that I came back. I see a couple young babes craning their necks, who is this guy? Oh it's just heaven, it's just paradise.
And I'm standing out there in the aisle behind the barstools which are all wiveled now to face me with my Catfish is back smile on my face and the beer in my hand, and before I can take a sip somebody is saying, "You gotta meet Ron!" and I'm stopped a little bit, who the fuck is Ron? Tell you the truth, I'm a little bit annoyed to be sharing my glory with some stranger, but what the hell?
I'm kind of shoved along by a cheerful crowd, barely able to get a drink of my beer, and then there's Ron, a heavyset guy wearing an old camouflage jacket, hat pulled down low over his eyes which he flips up to look at me. "So you're Catfish," he says, "Heard a lot about you," and he offers me a hammy hand which I pump, but the last pump is his, and it’s a little too hard.
My first thought is that this guy is wrong, just wrong, I could see it as clear as day. And I think he saw me, saw right through me, through all my Catfish stuff, to all that uneasy queasy stuff like I went through on the bus on the way over, where in Champaign I'm this character, this cocksman, this fucking Natty Bumppo. Well I don't know who the fuck Natty Bumppo is, Itch called me that one time, and you know Itch, you never know if he is complimenting you or insulting you, but he's some character in one of those old novels, some coonskin cap pioneer guy, kind of like Catfish I guess.
"So how's fishing, Catfish?" he wants to know. And you know if it was one of those college kids who asked me that, I'd be perfectly ready to tell some tall tales, about how, I don't know, I'd been chewing bubble gum, and just as a hunch I'd wrapped a wad around my bait, and got a bite as soon as I dropped in the hook, but it was a big bull catfish and he chased me up and down that river, and every now and then I could see him pop out of that river with big pink balloons sticking out of his gills. See a story like that even those college kids wouldn't quite believe it, but they'd eat it up anyway.
But I knew Ron wouldn't eat it up so I just said, "Oh fine, fine, they're just jumping out of the water, just dying to get in that old frying pan," and I gave him a big smile.
"Jumping fish huh?" He looked at his beer, but didn't pick it up. "Must be nice. Generally I have to drown a worm or two before I can get any fish to pucker up over my hook. But hey, that's just me, I'm not an expert like you Catfish, nobody calls me that, they just call me Drown the worm Ron. Maybe I can learn a lot from you, do you think?"
"Oh I don't know, I'm just lucky I guess," I answered, backpedaling from my boastful self, not liking the way this conversation was going, wanting to get back to my Great Wall pals, and back to those girls who had swiveled their necks at my entrance. But Ron wasn't done. "Lucky huh?" he wanted to know, "You think you'll be getting lucky tonight?"
Truth be told, I'm taken a little bit short by this, a little nervous talking to this guy who probably knows more about fishing than I pretend to know, afraid he's going to get into details about hooks and bait, and hell I know that's all bullshit anyway, Hell, lying and making up stories is mostly what fishing is all about anyway, but still. Anyway I let out a, "Huh?" but then I catch my stride. "Hell yes, the Catfish always gets lucky." Now we are talking about something I know about.
"That's what I hear," Ron replies. "I don't think it should be too hard, these girls here are pretty fucking easy," and he stubs out his cigarette.
"Yeah," I say, but as soon as I say it I wish I hadn't. First I don't like it because it's like I'm agreeing that these girls, my beautiful Great Wall coeds are a bunch of sluts, which is not the way I think of them at all, and second it's like my whole reputation, Catfish the Charmer, Catfish the Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am Guy is nothing special, and thirdly, it's that this guy Ron has been sticking his pole in my fishing hole.
"Nice talking to you" I say, stepping out of the barstool but my foot gets caught up in the bottom rung so that I stumble a little, and Ron catches me, that hammy hand on my jacket, and leans in and says, "See you around," and I don't like that either.
Further down the bar though, there's still plenty of Catfish fans, plenty of clapping me on the back, I'm backed up maybe three four drinks most of the night, Itch pouring them out one at a time out of that pretty gold tap. "And yet another one for Catfish," he announces and everyone cheers, and it's just great.
Tammy was her name, cute little blonde girl, pretty sure she was one of those girls who swiveled her head when I was entering, pretty drunk, sloe gin fizzes pink around her lips, but there's nothing wrong with that. Normally I do some scouting, but there she was sitting on the bar stool right next to me. As soon as I, concluding a tall story, slipped my arm around her shoulders I knew she was a sure thing.
Normally I like to give a good performance, but she was really drunk by the time we stumbled into her little studio coed apartment, and I was pretty loaded too. That getting up and puking right afterwards that didn’t have anything to do with me, it was all that sloe gin. In the morning she was hungover and got sick again. I accompanied her into the bathroom like a gentleman, but then she fell flat back into bed and fell right asleep and there were no eggs and bacon for Catfish.
Well how do you guys like it so far? Any comments? Any anything?
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