aftermath

So I had my presentation all written out, an interpretation of the data, five or six salient points on my side, a sort of sarcastic but soaring wrap up.  I was, as I told one of my cohorts, loaded for bear.  I should have rehearsed my little speech, you know, read it out loud a couple times in front of a ,mirror.  But I don't know, I thought I already knew all the points well enough, I thought maybe the speech could use some spontaneity.

Bad decision, I fumbled badly over my points, I fumbled with my papers, dropped them on the floor.  And I misunderstood the whole situation badly.  Previously, when I had presented my petition, I was speaking to the whole board and I was surprised to learn that a good half of them were on my side, or at any rate they were against the whites only rule.  I thought the situation would be the same Thursday night, but something had changed, they were all, well not regarding me well.  And it turns out that the question was no longer before the whole board but rested solely with the hated rules and regs who had put the rule in the first place, and who had already voted to keep it.

So my presentation was bad, and it wouldn't have mattered if it was good because it was a done deal.

Another thing.  Earlier Thursday when I was still getting my presentation together, I noticed a letter from my bank that had laid on my table unopened for a few days.  There was a company that I had paid to host my website two or three years ago  at which time I had dropped them and not used their services again.  Then suddenly they had sent me some emails about renewing my subscription,  It all sounded, well crooked, so I ignored them, and then an email came through that said  congratulations your renewal for three years has come through, and it will be 446 dollars.  I looked at my bank account and there it was gone.  I went to my bank and said this is fraudulent, and they said ok, and took the charge off.  Well ok, I thought that was settled.

Then suddenly in this letter it was reinstated,  What the fuck?  I went to the bank.  And you know how sometimes the clerk is like very polite and nice, and sympathetic, but doesn't really help you at all, and you find that a bit grating?  Well this guy was worse, he was like hohum, why are you wasting my time?  He called somebody on the phone and looked back to me and said yep, yep, totally legitimate, nothing you can do about it.  And then he said casually, as if it was an afterthought, maybe it was an automatic renewal, that happens a lot.

Indeed it does.  I looked it up on the internet and apparently it happens all the time, and is often used in scams.  When you sign up for a deal with a company, amid all the paperwork there is an automatic renewal clause and you sign on to that without paying much attention because you don't want to pay a bill every month.  Somehow that gives the company the right to tap into your dough anytime they want.

I figured the company was out and out crooks or maybe somebody had tapped into their name or something, but I got to their page and I got one of those online chats and the guy on the other line said ok, they'd send the money back.  This is early Monday morning and I haven't got it back yet, but I think I will.

The company is I guess legit, they do provide a service, but if somehow these charges go unnoticed and end up in their pockets, they don't mind at all, not at all.

It brings to mind where is my money, or more accurately what is my money, a few bytes here and there in remote machines?  Makes you want to bury it in the backyard.

So anyway this whole thing was piling on me and when I went down in flames figuratively I went down in my mind.  It consumed me.  I only got a couple hours of sleep that night.  I tried to put it out of my mind to get some rest, but my heart was beating like a heart attack.  I thought maybe I will run for the board, run as the people's candidate, the ordinary people who just want to live here with their friends and neighbors and are not interested in flipping units to make a buck.  I mentally ran through my platform and then realized that if I won, and tried to do what I wanted to do I would have to face those guys all the time.  I thought of putting up white lights but then surrounding them with red and green foil, but how does that work?  

So it went Friday, and Saturday, and Sunday morning, and then Sunday afternoon I decided to take a long walk, you know to walk it off.  Beautiful scenery along the river and the lake but I wasn't seeing any of it, just running it through my mind again and again.  Walk it off.

It had been raining slightly when  I started, but gradually it began raining harder.  After an hour I was soaking wet and decided to start back.  I was about forty minutes away though so there was nothing to do but walk through it.

I'm walking in the rain

Tears are falling and I feel the pain.

Well no tears, but the water streaming down my face, you know, got my mind off that whole lights thing.  I got home and took off my wet clothes and took a shower, kind of doesn't make sense but it felt good.  And then you know what, the whole thing was past me.  My cause was just, but I lost and now there is nothing to be done about it.  Let it go.