playing the markets

There’s a little group at the Ten Cat that invests in stocks. I think I ought to tell you that they also like to go to Vegas, and I think they used to play online poker though they don’t talk about that much anymore. I don’t understand online poker. I understand in person where you can see if the guy is sweating or his fingers are twitching, but when he’s just some made-up name on a screen, well I just don’t know.

Anyway, it’s not like they have portfolios or anything. I think maybe they watch those cable shows about stocks, and they say hey, this one looks good. And sometimes I drop in on their conversations and their stock is rocketing through the roof, and I think ohno, they are all going to be swilling champagne from hooker’s slippers at some fancy dancy downtown rooftop bar, while I will be here by myself drinking my Daisy Cutter beer and staring at the bottles on the walls. I have asked them to let me in on it, but they seemed reluctant, like maybe I would jinx it or something. Then a few months ago I eavesdropped on them discussing their picks for the Kentucky Derby, and it was all on the name of the horse, so I don’t beg to get into their rich man’s club anymore.

But come to think of it, betting on the horse’s name is probably as good a system as any other. All the betting is pari-mutuel so that the more money that is put on a horse, the less the payoff is, and vice-versa. And all this money is bet by horse experts, and probably the richer the expert the smarter he is, so you would have to figure the odds reflect the real situation, so if you bet randomly, or by the name, or by the colors, you would end up breaking even, except for the cut the bank takes. Of course the race might be fixed, but you as the little guy would never know which way it was fixed, and you could, just by chance, end up voting for the horse it would be fixed for, so it would all even out.

I figure the stock market probably works the same way, so you could do just as well by throwing a dart at the dartboard. I have stocks. I had a rich uncle who gave my family stocks, and then my Dad did some trading with them. Not much I don’t think, he was pretty conservative and I think he concentrated on stocks that paid big dividends. He used to give us blocks of stocks which were really a lot of cash, but it’s not like we could sell them without offending him, so they just sat there. When he died they went to my mom and when she died they went to me and my sister, and now they just sit there.

At one time I guess me or my dad thought that I would get into stock trading, and he took me downtown to see his broker, introduced me to him, we shook hands, father/son sort of thing. But you know how I feel about those money guys they are all so well-dressed and smooth talking and seem so responsible, because what is more responsible than money. But underneath that fancy suitcoat is a gambler’s garter on their sleeve, and probably one of those visors stuffed into their back pocket, and they’d be just as happy running three card monte in the back of the bus.

I think you have told me that you did, or maybe still do, some kind of stock investing. What is your philosophy on all that?

Well you know how I feel about all those money guys who pretend that their days of going clickety clack on the keys and leaving at the end of the day with a sackful of money with a dollar sign on it, is somehow good for the economy and thus for all of us. If they want to do something good for us why don’t they invent a new kind of shoe and pay their workers well to make it and sell it to us at a fair price?

Well you know how I feel about advertising too. I’m pretty sure I have told you about my encounters with the focus groups, but maybe you have forgotten, and I would be glad to retell it.

A good weekend to the both of us.