fishin n lyin n politics

Fred Trost, a true sportsman who spoke truth to power, gotta admire a man like that, even though I admit that I am no sportsman. I don’t know that I could stay awake during a grease bearing demonstration.

I did kind of see the writing on the wall though when you talked about him criticizing sponsors. Seems to me the world of hunting and especially fishing is built on lying, and some of those products seem like the throw your voice or have x ray vision gizmos advertised in the back of comic books.

Speaking of gizmos, I have always been suspicious of those Duck Dynasty guys. I never watched the show but I think the premise that they got filthy rich by inventing a duck whistle, seemed awfully shaky. I mean how hard can it be to sound like a duck? How could their duck call have been so superior? Even if it were how are you going to get filthy rich peddling a duck call?

And speaking of lying, how about that Brian Williams? He seemed like a nice enough guy, certainly had a nice enough job, it’s not like his ratings would have shot up because he was in that helicopter, he had to have known that the guys in that helicopter would have noticed that he wasn’t there?

I haven’t been following the story that closely, but as far as I know he has never explained it in his own words. Seems to me that if he just said, well I told a fib, you know how it is you are hanging around with your buds and they are all looking up to you and you are telling a story and at some point it occurs to you that the story would be even better if you altered a few details, and so you do, and so I did.

I think people could understand that, who hasn’t been there? It’s not like he told a lie on the air, who cares?

But I think he got lawyered up, or PRed up, or something those big shots do where spokesmen read statements and the guy is nowhere to be found.

And now I expect Brian will be found in some rural tavern in northern Michigan playing pinochle with Fred Trost, probably trying to cheat just a little bit, be we all know Old Fred Trost will be having none of that.

Well lying, how can you speak of the subject without bringing up the master, the big dog himself? Haven’t come close to him in almost sixteen years. Bush was the country lawyer who thought he was pretty sharp, but it was always clear he wasn’t. Obama is the city lawyer who can’t believe how stupid you are. But Bill, he could put his hand on your shoulder and give you the earnest look and start up that hoarse voice and you would be reaching for that fiver in your wallet before he even asked to borrow it. Before him there was only Reagan, who was damn good, but if you listened long enough you realize that he didn’t know much about what he was talking about.

The True and Practical Sportsman

Yes indeed, people go to all kinds of far off exotic places to hunt and fish. Others, like myself, prefer to just go out to the back forty and come home for lunch. I suppose what appeals to the far offers is the challenge and adventure of boldly going where no man, or at least few men, have gone before. I talked to some of those people when I was in Alaska and decided that it wasn't my cup of tea. It used to be that only rich people could afford to do something like that, but nowadays some of these kinds of trips are affordable to the average working man, although he might have to save up all year to spend his annual vacation that way. I think that your bear hunting scenario was a bit over the top, but I'm sure that somebody has done something like that at some point in time. To the vast majority of us, a guy like that would indeed be considered an asshole.

I believe the original definition of a sportsman was: a gentleman who hunts and fishes. Before our time, the word "sportsman" evoked a rich playboy who hunts and fishes because he has more time and money than he knows what to do with. My father's generation tried to rehabilitate the word by attaching the prefix "true", as in "true sportsman". As near as I can tell, a true sportsman is a guy who spends so much of his time and money on hunting and fishing that he will never become a rich playboy, or a rich anything else. All kidding aside, a true sportsman is a guy who hunts and fishes in an ethical manner, no matter how much money he has.

I used to watch some of the hunting and fishing shows on TV, but it got so that they were starting to all look the same, so I seldom watch them anymore. My favorite was a guy named Fred Trost, who hosted a show called "The Practical Sportsman". Before that, he was a co-host on "Michigan Outdoors" with Mort Neff. When old Mort either died or retired, I can't remember which, Fred assumed that he would move up and take his place, but a couple other guys pulled some kind of coup and Fred was exiled from the show. Then he started his own show and called it "Michigan Out of Doors", until the usurpers sued him because the name was too close to theirs, so he changed it to "The Practical Sportsman". 

There were two things I liked about old Fred. One was that he did indeed featured the more practical aspects of hunting and fishing. Once he showed us how to grease the bearings on a boat trailer. I previously had other people try to explain it to me, but I never got it right until a guest on Fred's show demonstrated the proper way to do it. Another time he showed us an original design for a deer blind which I built and still hunt out of to this very day.

The other thing I liked was the way Fred was not afraid to step on anybody's toes if he thought they deserved it. He was always criticizing the DNR for some reason or other, which the big sucks who took over "Michigan Outdoors" would never do. His greatest feat was when he took on the companies who make all those scent products that I told you about. He proved beyond a reasonable doubt that many of those products were bogus. I remember one show where took this bottle of alleged "doe in heat" urine and sprinkled it on the ground. Then he filmed a couple of his assistants pissing on the ground not far away. (Their backs were to the camera, but Fred assured us that  they were indeed urinating, and I saw no reason to doubt his word.) Then he filmed both spots when deer were present and proved that the deer were just as interested in the human piss as they were in the doe piss. The only mistake he made was mentioning the doe piss company by name, and they sued his ass off.

Fred should have won hands down, but he was betrayed by his own lawyers, who undoubtedly were in cahoots with the deer piss company. This inspired Fred to go to law school and eventually become a lawyer himself. He proudly announced on his show that, henceforth, he would continue his tradition of fearless journalism,  and nobody could stop him now. Not long after that, his feckless sponsors pulled out, and the show was cancelled. No sir, they sure don't make hunting and fishing shows like that anymore!

huntin n fishin n tv stars

Do people go hunting in rough empty country? Seems rude. It’s one thing to mug a guy on the street, but another to come right into his home and do it. What the hell is out there that they can’t find something like it close to home?

Like those bear hunters. Those rich guys who fly out to Frozen Palooka in one of those planes that land on water to meet the trusty Indian guide who leads them to their sumptious lodge full of drink and gourmet food. I find this part ok, though personally I would rather be in a smoky bar in the city. But then they go out and look for bears. Well the Indian guide looks for bears, he points them out when he sees them, puts his finger to his mouth, hands the guy some super duper gun while taking the snifter of cognac from him, so the guy can shoot the bear, and then what? He’s not going to fix up some bear stew in the sticks, I don’t think it’s swank for rich babes to drape themselves in bear fur. So I guess he has the bear stuffed, probably standing up with its paws outstretched like it is about to attack, which I admit is cool, but we probably already have more of them than we can use.

Are there any hunters that other hunters think are assholes? How about fishermen, is there are rivalry between the two?

I guess the fisherman that goes out in one of those fancy boats and is tied into one of those sturdy lounge chairs and has the lackey bring him his brewskis, and I assume just pisses in his pants because it’s all ocean anyway, I guess he is like the guy in the lodge up north, who has taken his trophy wife along with him, just to tempt the single guys to knock him off accidently on purpose so that they can comfort the grieving widow, so that there will be some element of risk to the trip.

Well I get carried away don’t I? Well I guess I gave an exposition of tvs and smartphones in smoky bars, so I shouldn’t complain about your exposition of elctronic doodads in the great outdoors.

Of course they aren’t smoky anymore, and I guess that’s good. I was smoking in the bar when they first kicked us out and I was a little pissed, but later I enjoyed hanging with the cool kids outside the door puffing on our cigs on the busy streets and looking devil may care. I have since cut way back on the cigs and don’t smoke at all when I am at the bar, and I miss hanging with the cool guys.

TV hunting and fishing shows? Really? Well I suppose a hunting show might be alright if they tart it up like they used to do with those wild kingdom shows where they kind of make up this story where in the end Cheri the Cheetah finds her lost kittens, or are they pups?

But a fishing show. I suppose if they are all lined up at the bar getting drunk and telling lies it might be a little interesting. But if they are just sitting on the boat wondering what fly to tie on the line or checking their sonar device, kill me now.

I used to think golf was the most boring thing on tv, but then one night I saw Nascar, which is like driving on the expressway listening to hillbillies, and even the thought of imminent death is not enough to keep my eyes open. But tv fishing would likely give it a run for the money. How about tv fishing with the stars?

No Fun At All

No, it wouldn't be fun if you had enough gadgets to make it foolproof, but we're not there yet. Like I said, I don't use a lot of gadgets, but I read about them in my magazines. Here are a few that immediately come to mind:

GPS - It won't help you spot game, but it can help you when you're trying to go back to a place that was previously good. This is most useful on a big lake when you're fishing far from shore and trying to find a hot spot that you know is out there somewhere. On land, a GPS is most useful to keep you from getting lost, which can be down right dangerous in rough country like mountains or the desert. If you get injured and can't make it back on your own, it can be used to tell the rescue people your exact location, assuming you also have a cell phone so you can call them in the first place. I understand the newest smart phones have a GPS built right into them, which means you have one less piece of equipment to carry.

Maps are still used, although a lot of guys find them online and print them out for themselves nowadays. Google Earth is used to plan trips. It won't tell you where the game animals are, but it shows the terrain features where they are likely to be found. It also gives you an idea of what kind of country you will be walking through so you know what kind of clothes and gear you will need.

Trail Cameras - They have motion detectors that will cause the camera to snap as picture when something walks by. This lets you know if it's a likely spot to set up your blind when the season opens. They even have cameras now that will transmit the pictures to your home computer so you don't have to go tramping around leaving your scent all over the place while checking your cameras.

Scent - They have scents that will cover your own scent, and/or make you smell like a fox, a skunk, or a doe in heat. If your hypothetical wife won't let you in the house smelling like a fox, a skunk, or a doe in heat, you can pour some scent on a rag and hang it in a nearby tree instead of pouring it all over yourself. There is not universal agreement about the effectiveness of these scents, but some hunters won't leave home without them. The only one I have ever tried was an apple scent that you spray on your clothing. I didn't see any deer that year, but my hunting clothes smelled better than they usually do by end of the season.

Sonar devices have gotten really popular over the years but, like I said, I don't see the need for one where I fish. I think they can be useful on big water, though. They will show you the contours of the lake bottom as well as the location and depth of fish. They don't make the fish bite but, once you know where the fish are, you can keep trying different baits until one of them works. On a sonar chart, the fish just show up as little blips, but they also have video cameras now that you can lower down to the fish and see exactly what they're doing. These are being used with good effect on the TV hunting and fishing shows, but I don't know how popular they are yet with the regular fishermen.

Calls - They have calls you can blow for all kinds of animals but, if you don't do it right, you could drive them away instead of attracting them. Electronic callers used to be banned in many states but, according to my magazines, they're being allowed more and more. I don't know about Michigan. The newest models have software in them like computers. You can punch in any kind of animal call, not only any species, but specific things like "sub-dominant male coyote seeks female companionship, but don't tell the top dog about it".

a grumpy old man speaks out on flibberty gibberty whizbang doodads

Those phones are very handy if you are traveling. Debbie and I were visiting friends in St Louis a couple years back, and there was a matter of a couple streets that just changed names willy nilly somewhere along their route, and convenience store workers who were eager to help out, but it turns out they didn’t know shit, and if we didn’t just happen to have a borrowed cellphone and were able to be talked in like a lost airliner, would’ve drove aimlessly all night.

Well not all night, something would have happened, nobody ever really gets lost and ends up starving in the woods. We got by before Super Duper phones. One of the things I like about the Ten Cat is that they never turn up the sound on the tv (which is only on for sports events). The thing about a bar is that if you are by yourself once you get tired of counting the bottles behind the bar you get bored and you start talking to the guy next to you. That’s how you make friends.

But a lot of these places, they leave the tv all the time, and no matter what is on it, it sort of draws the customers to it. Even if it is nothing they are interested in they tend to glance at it, and then glance longer, and nobody talks to each other and nobody makes friends.

Not a problem at the Ten Cat, where as I told you, the sound is always off. But what happens nowadays is the first thing somebody does when they sit down, before they even order a beer, is whip out their cellphone and then they are all plinka plinka plinka on the tiny keys and their faces are illuminated by that ghostly glow, and nobody talks to each other and nobody makes friends.

And you know me Beagles, I am not much of a go getter, but when I get going I like to be going, and I don’t like bumping into idiots who are plinka plinka plinking all over the sidewalk. I dodged one of those guys some years ago just to encounter another guy just like him, and wishing to offer the fellow a bit of advice I told him he ought to take his head out of his phone and watch where he is going. “Fuck you,” he explained. Anymore the whole sidewalk is filled with them and I don’t dare say anything to them or they would beat me to death with their cellphones which once were so tiny but are now growing larger.

And don’t get me started on GPS. I love those big colorful maps that once unfolded are impossible to fold back up, and looking in the little index and getting a code like R2, and finding R and tracing it rightward with your finger to the 2, and there is Palookaville. And then you trace through the maze of lines towards where you are coming from, and you pick out the fattest lines and maybe mark a couple intersections with red circles and off you go. There may be a few missed turns, a couple heated arguments with someone else if you are not travelling alone, but you end up seeing more of the country, and it is all one big adventure.

GPS though, all you have is a list of roads and distances and which way to turn, and the whole trip you are like a rat in a maze, looking for Hazel Street where you will turn left in .7 miles. You are like in one dimension, you don’t see anything on either side of the road because you are always looking straight ahead for the next turn. A whole big country out there and all you see is the center line.

Of course I don’t understand hunting at all, and I really don’t understand those hunting and fishing aids. Isn’t it supposed to be hunting, as in searching, and fishing as in fishing for something? If your device tells you where to go why don’t you just go to the grocery store?

I understand you don’t go traipsing around anymore, but I allow as how sitting in a blind and waiting still has some of that hunting aspect. You have to trust fickle fate to propel bambi into your range, and you have to be awake at the time to notice. What if you had some device that attracted deer so that they lined up within range to and maybe some laser sight so that you couldn’t miss, would it still be fun?

Smart Phones

I don't know much about smartphones. Indeed, I don't even know much about dumb phones. I've got nothing against any of those little hand-held devices, I just don't have any use for them. Once, when our land line was down for five days, I bought one of those cell phones where you plug in a card with pre-paid minutes. I was going to use it to call the phone company again to find out if they were ever going to restore our service. Just as I was beginning to dial, the phone man showed up to fix the problem. He went away for awhile, came back, and asked me if the phone was working now. My hypothetical wife was inside the house and the phone man and I were outside. I dialed our own number on my new cellphone and hypothetical wife answered, which proved that our regular phone was working. I kept the cell phone for six months after that and never used it again. The prepaid minutes were only good for a year, so I gave the cell phone to my grand daughter, who used up the minutes in short order. I can see where those gadgets might come in handy for somebody in business or someone who travels a lot, but I am neither one of those.

My hypothetical wife has a problem with her legs, so I have been doing the grocery shopping for some time now. I commonly see people walking around the supermarket while talking steadily on their phones, and I wonder what they have to talk about for so long. When I'm shopping, or doing anything else for that matter, my mind is usually engaged in what I'm doing. It seems like trying to talk on the phone at the same time would be distracting. And that's just while walking, I can't imagine trying to drive a car and talk on the phone at the same time. Well, when I drove school buses, we had two way radios in them, but we only used them to say something important. We certainly did not constantly yammer away about inconsequential matters.

Then there's texting. Our local TV stations have been running public service ads lately urging people not to text while driving. How would you even do that? Okay, you can steer with one hand and hold the phone in the other hand. But what do you type with, your nose? There has been some talk about making texting while driving illegal, but I don't think it's been passed yet. I have seen people walking down the street while texting, and they don't seem to be watching where they're going. I have heard about people walking into a pole or out into traffic while doing that. What are they, nuts?

A GPS device might be handy for hunting or fishing in unfamiliar territory, but I don't do that anymore either. When I did, a map and a compass was all I needed to get around. It might be nice to enter waypoints over your favorite fishing holes, but that's about it. I never have gotten into those sonar devices that spot fish for you under water, but some people won't go fishing without them anymore. I can see it if you fish deep water in the big lakes, but I mostly fish in the river over weed beds, and I don't think those things can see through weeds yet.

I used to be kind of a Luddite in my younger days but, as I got older, I embraced technology more and more. Nevertheless, I still can't see buying something that I'm never likely to use. It's not about the money so much as it is about not complicating my life unnecessarily.

Have a nice, uncomplicated weekend.
 

getting shot

There was an article in one of the major medical magazines some time ago that linked vaccinations to autism. I don’t know how it ever got in the magazine because it was totally bogus, and was soon debunked, but that’s what started the present furor. The thought that the government is secretly poisoning the citizens is always popular among the American people. I suspect these people were mainly the organic food fanatic types who will turn up their nose at a supermarket apple but gladly down a bottle of pills from who knows where as long as it is sold in a cute little organic foods store.

I do remember as a wee lad being corralled into a room where we were all given shots. That was in the days when we had air raid drills where we were supposed to go out in the hallway and duck and cover I suppose. What a time that was, so scientific and yet so wacky. I suppose that is the way it is for all generations. At first adults seem so smart, and then they seem so stupid, and then you are one, and you know that you are kind of stupid, but you don’t let on in front of the kids.

I always get my shots, flu, pneumonia, shingles, tetanus. I’ve never gotten sick from any of them, but that is the anecdotal evidence that I decry from high on my high horse.

I suspect that that woman saw you for the young smartass you were and decided she was giving this punk a shot no matter what. I do like the moral of your story.

I’m looking for another topic here. How about cellphones? And of course I mean those so-called smart phones. Of course I hate them. A friend who came to visit during my show, who had been a longtime smartphone hater like myself, had just gotten one and has been totally transformed. Made me sick. Sick I tell you. Myself I have decided that when they pry my landline out of my aged hands I will get a telegraph and anyone who wants to talk to me will just have to learn Morse code.